From Punishment to Peace: A Healing Journey

As a life coach, my mission is to help others build more loving, compassionate relationships with themselves. But the truth is, I didn’t arrive at this work untouched by struggle. I’m not just speaking as a coach. I’m speaking as someone who intimately understands what it’s like to confuse control with self-worth and discipline with identity. And if any part of this story resonates with you, please know: you are not alone.

In 2011, I made the empowering decision to lose weight. I was carrying the emotional and physical weight of my past, and I wanted to feel strong, vibrant, and in control of my life. Through balanced eating, movement, and commitment, I lost 132 pounds. It was a healthy, intentional transformation, and it truly changed my life.

But what I didn’t expect was what came after.

Once the goal was met and the weight was gone, a new pressure surfaced. Suddenly, maintenance became an obsession. What began as a desire to feel good in my body morphed into a relentless chase for control. I wasn’t just trying to stay healthy, I was trying to outrun fear. Fear of slipping up. Fear of gaining weight. Fear that if I didn’t keep everything perfectly in check, I would lose the life I had worked so hard to rebuild.

I scrutinized every bite I took. I weighed my food down to the gram, tracked every calorie, and obsessively logged every macro. I stepped on the scale multiple times a day; morning, midday, after meals, before bed, watching for the slightest fluctuation. If the number ticked up, even by a decimal, I punished myself with extra cardio. I planned outings around food, obsessively checking menus in advance and calculating exactly how much I’d need to “earn” or “burn off” later. My meals lacked joy; lunch was a pile of greens without dressing, dinner was steamed vegetables without flavor. I wasn’t eating to nourish myself, I was eating to maintain control. I went plant-based, not for the animals, but for the restriction. More reasons to say No.  No meat. No dairy. No eggs. No sugar. No oil. No flexibility. My days were dictated by food rules and punishing workouts that felt like self-inflicted punishment instead of self-care. There was no peace, only fear, numbers, and an endless chase to be “enough.”

My workouts ballooned into obsessive marathons. I told myself it was discipline, but in truth, I was terrified. Terrified of being seen as weak, terrified of becoming “less than,” terrified of losing control. And underneath all of it was a deeper, quieter belief: that my worth depended on how well I performed. How I could keep the weight off.

Then the world stood still. COVID hit, and almost overnight, everything shut down, including the gyms. The routine I had built my identity around vanished. At first, I panicked. Without those grueling cardio sessions, that I thought was the price I had to pay just to feel ‘allowed’ to eat, rest, or simply feel okay in my body, had been taken away from me. Who was I without that? The structure I clung to for control was suddenly gone. But in the stillness, something began to shift. Not all at once, and not without resistance, but gradually. For the first time in years, I had the space, and eventually, the courage to sit with myself. To stop running. To stop hiding behind rituals. And to start listening.

I began revisiting a life coaching course I had signed up for, and it cracked me open in the best way. I started asking the questions I had been too afraid to answer.

Why do I feel like I always have to prove my worth?

Why am I so attached to these numbers?

Why do I equate control with safety?

The truth unraveled slowly, and it wasn’t what I expected. It wasn’t discipline or drive that had been guiding me. It was a deep, gnawing anxiety, one that whispered I had to stay in control or everything would fall apart. Beneath it all was a belief I hadn’t dared to name: that my value depended on how perfectly I could hold it all together.

That realization began my healing.

I started to reframe the story. I practiced self-compassion, even when it felt foreign. I let go of the scale. I learned to nourish my body again; with food, with movement, with grace. I reintroduced what I had once feared: meat, rest days, softness. I moved in ways that felt joyful, not punishing. I stopped counting, and I started feeling.

And then something beautiful happened, I fell in love. With myself, yes, but also with my husband. A man who saw through the layers of perfection I had worn like armour. He didn’t fall for the curated version of me; he loved the real, raw, unfiltered woman underneath. And in his reflection, I found the courage to start loving myself, too. With his gentle encouragement, I let go of the scale, and I haven’t weighed myself in over three years. That decision felt terrifying at first, but it became one of the most freeing acts of self-trust I’ve ever made.

And now? I measure my health in peace. In presence. In how deeply I connect to the woman staring back at me in the mirror. 

If you’re reading this and you’re trapped in the cycle, whether it’s disordered eating, obsessive exercise, or your self-worth, I want you to know:

You are not broken. You are not too far gone. You are not the number on the scale or the calories you eat. You are a soul worthy of peace.

Here’s the truth I had to learn the hard way:

✨ Health isn’t about extremes - it’s about balance. 

✨Discipline without compassion becomes punishment. 

✨Control is not the same as care. 

✨You don’t need to shrink to be worthy - you already are.

If your journey to wellness has turned into a war with your body, it’s okay to take a step back. It’s okay to redefine what health means to you. The path to freedom doesn’t start with more control, it starts with permission. Permission to be gentle. Permission to choose joy. Permission to be human. The healing doesn’t come from perfect eating or perfect workouts - it comes from learning to trust yourself again. It comes from reclaiming your enoughness.

And if you’re in the thick of it - hurting, hiding, hustling - I want you to know this:

I see you. I believe in your healing. And I’m holding the door open for you.

You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to come home to yourself.

Whenever you’re ready… that path will be waiting. 💛

If you’re in a place where your relationship with yourself, food, or your body feels heavy, please know you don’t have to face it alone. Healing is possible, and support is out there. Talk to someone you trust. Reach out to a therapist, a coach, or a healthcare provider who understands. You are worthy of help, of healing, and of peace. Always.

With love, truth, and compassion,

Cathryn Benjamin-Brodt

Mindset & Life Coach | Yoga Teacher | Wellness Advocate

Helping you come home to yourself—one breath, one belief, one breakthrough at a time.

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