Breaking Free from People Pleasing

For as long as I can remember, I was a people pleaser. I didn’t call it that, of course. I thought I was just being kind, agreeable, and easygoing. I thought putting others' needs before my own was the right thing to do. But over time, I realized that my constant need for approval and my inability to say no were keeping me trapped in a cycle of stress, resentment, and self-neglect.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is more than just being nice. It’s an ingrained behaviour pattern driven by a deep-rooted fear of rejection, conflict, or not being “enough.” It involves consistently prioritizing others’ happiness over your own, often at the expense of your mental, emotional, and even physical well-being.

👉 It’s saying yes when you want to say no.

👉 Apologizing for things that aren’t your fault.

👉 Avoiding confrontation like the plague.

👉 And feeling guilty anytime you put yourself first.

The Science Behind It

From a psychological standpoint, people pleasing is closely tied to fawning, one of the lesser-known trauma responses alongside fight, flight, and freeze. The fawn response involves pleasing others to avoid conflict or danger, a coping mechanism that often begins in childhood.

Neurologically, chronic people pleasing activates the amygdala, the brain’s fear center, when conflict or disapproval is anticipated. This leads to a cortisol spike (your stress hormone), reinforcing the behaviour with an underlying biological fear response.

Over time, this pattern can contribute to:

• Anxiety disorders

• Burnout

• Depression

• A weakened sense of self-identity

The 4 Categories of People Pleasers

People pleasing doesn’t look the same for everyone. Here are four common categories:

1. The Peacekeeper – Avoids conflict at all costs, often agreeing outwardly while disagreeing inwardly.

2. The Overachiever – Derives self-worth from being helpful, successful, or constantly busy for others.

3. The Chameleon – Adapts their personality, interests, and values to fit in or be liked.

4. The Guilt-Tripper – Driven by guilt and fear of being perceived as selfish or ungrateful.

I’ve been a mix of all four, but mostly? I was the peacekeeper. I avoided conflict like it was lava, said yes when I was screaming no inside, and sought validation like it was oxygen.

How I Let It Go

Letting go of people pleasing wasn’t an overnight transformation. It was a slow, uncomfortable, and sometimes painful process of unlearning deeply embedded habits. But here’s what helped me reclaim my worth:

1. Recognizing My Worth

I had to acknowledge that my value wasn’t tied to how much I did for others or how well I kept the peace. I began using affirmations like:

🧠 I am enough as I am.💗 My needs matter just as much as anyone else's.

2. Setting Boundaries

I learned that boundaries are not walls; they’re doors—a way to let in what nourishes and keep out what drains. Saying “no” became a sacred act of self-respect.

🛑 “No” is a complete sentence.

Science supports this: People who set and uphold boundaries show lower levels of cortisol and report higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction.

3. Getting Comfortable with Discomfort

People pleasers are conflict-averse. I had to accept that not everyone would be happy with my choices, and that’s okay. The discomfort of standing up for myself was temporary, but the freedom it brought? That’s forever.

4. Prioritizing My Own Needs

I began asking: What do I want? What do I need? I stopped living reactively and started choosing intentionally.

🌱 Self-care stopped being a luxury. It became a priority.

5. Letting Go of the Guilt

At first, setting boundaries felt wrong, like I was betraying others. But I reminded myself:

💬 Guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re doing something different.

Neuroscientific research shows that habitual behaviours, even harmful ones, trigger reward loops in the brain. Change feels wrong at first because your brain is adjusting, not because you're wrong for changing.

How You Can Let Go of People Pleasing

If you see yourself in my story, know that you don’t have to stay stuck in the cycle of pleasing everyone but yourself. Here’s how to start breaking free:

🔍 Acknowledge the Pattern: Awareness is the first step. Notice when you’re saying yes out of fear or obligation rather than genuine desire.

🧩 Identify Your Type: Are you a peacekeeper? Overachiever? Chameleon? Guilt-tripper? Knowing your people-pleasing style can help you unpack the why behind your choices.

🪜 Practice Small No’s: Start small. Decline one invitation. Speak your truth in a low-risk conversation. Watch your confidence build over time.

🧠 Shift Your Mindset: Remember: Every time you say no to something that drains you, you’re saying YES to your own peace and alignment.

💬 Surround Yourself with Support: The right people will respect your boundaries and celebrate your growth.

⏳ Be Patient with Yourself: Change takes time. Celebrate your progress, even if it’s just one tiny “no” when you used to say yes.

A Life Without People Pleasing

Now that I’ve let go of my people-pleasing tendencies, I feel lighter. I have more energy, stronger relationships, and a deeper sense of self-worth. I still care about others, but I no longer do it at the expense of myself.

If you’re struggling with people pleasing, know this:

✨ You are worthy of prioritizing yourself.✨ You don’t need to earn love by shrinking.✨ You are enough, exactly as you are.

It’s time to step into your power and live life on your terms. Are you ready?

With love,

Cathryn Benjamin

Mindset & Life Coach | Yoga Teacher | Wellness Advocate

Follow me on Instagram for more tips on living authentically, embracing wellness, and transforming your mindset.